I hear the moms on Face Book. Our 16 year old has turned into the Grinch and he has had much healing. I remember when the kids were little and my 2 little ones with RAD were in trouble so often at school and wild and angry at home. It is hard. When their behaviors step up, the therapeutic parenting needs to step up.
BUT....
Sometimes it helps a tad to realize this is normal for them. This is how it is going to be for now.
BUT....
As they heal Christmas' will get better. I remember that eventually I would be at this point and think "Oh yeah. I used to hate Christmas, but it is OK now." If you work hard using empathy, consistency, attunement, love and understand their trauma and let them know so, IT WILL HAPPEN.
BUT....
Do not focus on your child's behavior all the time. Do not become obsessed. Enjoy time with other family. Yesterday I went for a pedicure. Just that simple act of having someone care for me can be so refreshing this time of year. When your sick child's behavior steps up, your care of the caregiver needs to step up. During those times I found that going to bed one hour earlier was helpful.
Take care of yourselves mom. We all love moms, and care about your pain. You will get through this. Never, never, never quit.
Observing the symptoms~ Treating the cause
Showing posts with label Counseling and Enrichment Center. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Counseling and Enrichment Center. Show all posts
Friday, December 23, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
What is Therapeutic Parenting?
You are probably an amazing "regular" parent. That may be part of what made you want to adopt in the first place. But then a traumatized child entered your family and your self confidence went down the tubes.
Our children think differently. They feel a lot. And most of the time their big feelings go straight into anger. They do not feel safe and do not view mother's as safe people who they can trust.
Parenting our kids can actually have joyous times if we learn how to connect with them. We want them to feel safe and loved.
Empathy: It is just being able to get into their world and walk around in their shoes and feel what they feel. We will never know (unless experienced yourself) the depths of some of their abuse, but we can know enough so that they feel understood and heard. All of us want to know that someone "gets"us. Understands us deep down. An important part of empathy as a parent, is coming back out of their world and being the calm and stable one to help them deal with it. Staying in that world and feeling it for them is not helpful. Being there to walk through it with them is what is needed.
Attunement: It is pretty obvious when our car needs tuned up. It runs rough. If you take it in for a tune up it is a pleasure to drive. And so we need attunement with our family members. It is different from empathy. Empathy says "I feel your pain and I care." Attunement is more of a matching of mood so as to communicate together. If your child is feeling playful but is escalating, smiling and calming them in a kind but gently playful way is attunement. If your child is sad, then giving them a hug and giving them quiet time is attunement. If it is you and your spouse are going out on a date and you want to go some place loud and fun, and your partner is exhausted and just wants a quiet dinner and a movie, you tune in to them and give them what they need. The same is true of our kids. If someone makes a joke and you see the look on your child's face says "Ouch" then you tune into that and say something like "be careful of each other's feelings" and make eye contact with that child letting them know you saw.
Fun: Having fun in life is so important for maintaining emotional health. Our kids find it hard to have fun. They may sabotage an outing if they know ahead. Simple. Don't tell them ahead of time until they are to the point of being able to handle that. Keep family times short and simple. A quick game of "Apples to Apples", a run to a matinee, a spontaneous trip to Dairy Queen. Even those may be tough. Sometimes on the way, you can say, "If this much family time is too hard for you, let us know by doing .......(whatever your child usually does) We can handle it." Or afterwards you may say. "I know family time sometimes makes you feel (sad, scared, angry) I'm here to help you through it if you need it". As the child can handle these short fun activities, then you can add a little longer.
Snuggling: Sometimes snuggling an angry child is the last thing we want to do. Tough. As a parent, we love our kids in the way they need it. So snuggle, love and hug on your kids as much as they will let you. (appropriately, of course). Our kids need it. All kids need it. Our kids need it more.
When they fail: Do not lecture, yell, or start throwing around punishments. Parent and "correct" lovingly. Remember we are building trust and safety at this point. Not teaching them "a lesson". I'm not saying let them get by with things. Our other kids are watching. But our approach is gently and loving, not harsh and punitive. Take the negative emotion out of the situation. I often tell myself to think of my child as though they are very ill and have done this. How would I talk to them then? Gentleness enters the situation easily then.
When they succeed: Tread lightly. Overly praising or making more of it then is worthy is obvious. None of us likes that. But give praise and emotion for a job well done. Remember for them right now most strong emotion goes straight to anger, so keep it happy and proud, but not "too much".
Let your child know you adore them. You are glad you are their mom. They are a gift from God. We are blessed to have them in our lives. Do we some days want to tear our hair out. Oh yeah. Is it worth it? Oh yeah.
Our children think differently. They feel a lot. And most of the time their big feelings go straight into anger. They do not feel safe and do not view mother's as safe people who they can trust.
Parenting our kids can actually have joyous times if we learn how to connect with them. We want them to feel safe and loved.
Empathy: It is just being able to get into their world and walk around in their shoes and feel what they feel. We will never know (unless experienced yourself) the depths of some of their abuse, but we can know enough so that they feel understood and heard. All of us want to know that someone "gets"us. Understands us deep down. An important part of empathy as a parent, is coming back out of their world and being the calm and stable one to help them deal with it. Staying in that world and feeling it for them is not helpful. Being there to walk through it with them is what is needed.
Attunement: It is pretty obvious when our car needs tuned up. It runs rough. If you take it in for a tune up it is a pleasure to drive. And so we need attunement with our family members. It is different from empathy. Empathy says "I feel your pain and I care." Attunement is more of a matching of mood so as to communicate together. If your child is feeling playful but is escalating, smiling and calming them in a kind but gently playful way is attunement. If your child is sad, then giving them a hug and giving them quiet time is attunement. If it is you and your spouse are going out on a date and you want to go some place loud and fun, and your partner is exhausted and just wants a quiet dinner and a movie, you tune in to them and give them what they need. The same is true of our kids. If someone makes a joke and you see the look on your child's face says "Ouch" then you tune into that and say something like "be careful of each other's feelings" and make eye contact with that child letting them know you saw.
Fun: Having fun in life is so important for maintaining emotional health. Our kids find it hard to have fun. They may sabotage an outing if they know ahead. Simple. Don't tell them ahead of time until they are to the point of being able to handle that. Keep family times short and simple. A quick game of "Apples to Apples", a run to a matinee, a spontaneous trip to Dairy Queen. Even those may be tough. Sometimes on the way, you can say, "If this much family time is too hard for you, let us know by doing .......(whatever your child usually does) We can handle it." Or afterwards you may say. "I know family time sometimes makes you feel (sad, scared, angry) I'm here to help you through it if you need it". As the child can handle these short fun activities, then you can add a little longer.
Snuggling: Sometimes snuggling an angry child is the last thing we want to do. Tough. As a parent, we love our kids in the way they need it. So snuggle, love and hug on your kids as much as they will let you. (appropriately, of course). Our kids need it. All kids need it. Our kids need it more.
When they fail: Do not lecture, yell, or start throwing around punishments. Parent and "correct" lovingly. Remember we are building trust and safety at this point. Not teaching them "a lesson". I'm not saying let them get by with things. Our other kids are watching. But our approach is gently and loving, not harsh and punitive. Take the negative emotion out of the situation. I often tell myself to think of my child as though they are very ill and have done this. How would I talk to them then? Gentleness enters the situation easily then.
When they succeed: Tread lightly. Overly praising or making more of it then is worthy is obvious. None of us likes that. But give praise and emotion for a job well done. Remember for them right now most strong emotion goes straight to anger, so keep it happy and proud, but not "too much".
Let your child know you adore them. You are glad you are their mom. They are a gift from God. We are blessed to have them in our lives. Do we some days want to tear our hair out. Oh yeah. Is it worth it? Oh yeah.
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